Leaning vs. Surrendering. . .

Uncurated Version, Part II

• Leaning: running in a slanting direction; as in tendency - a habitual attraction to some activity or thing; as in tilting - to set or cause to be at an angle.

• Surrender: a) to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand; b) to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another; c) to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner; d) to give (oneself) over to something (such as an influence). See insert link

“Arrrrgggghhhh". What sound comes to your mind when you read that? Tough one, right? It doesn't come with expletives, nor any emphasis. It doesn't need it, am I right? For me, it wasn't a roar, or a whisper. Just loud enough not to be ignored.

Groan: to utter a deep moan indicative of pain, grief, or annoyance; to make a harsh sound (as of creaking) under sudden or prolonged strain.

Merriam Webster Dictionary

Each and every time I prayed, there it was reminding me, interrupting my push for a steady flow. "Arrrrgggghhhh," attempting to get my attention, beckoning me to pause. But no, I was fixed on ignoring it and pushing through to fully experience God as I tried to pray. I was attempting to seek refuge, find solace, but it would not relent. "Arrrrgggghhhh," a steady groan, that would not be silenced. But I kept praying, asking God to lead me, show me and guide me, I was desperate. Because God is who He is - faithful - He answered.

For weeks on end, I asked God to help me "lean into" this next phase. Literally using the word "lean," but even as I uttered that word time and again, in the background the groaning, a constant echo. I grew frustrated, first with myself and then God. Why? Why was this so hard? Here I was petitioning for grace, stamina, grit, asking God to help me lean into all this phase entails... even the good parts. Because the groaning never quit, even during the good parts. And then one day, it all came together.

Despite willingly choosing to stay ashore, I have my reservations and its plainly easier to just lean into this phase, than it is to surrender. That's the war we don't talk about. The war within, when your spirit refuses to submit to the Lord's will and you fight within yourself. Initially, I thought the groaning was my flesh but it was my spirit crying out to the Father for relief, grace, stamina, grit, surrender.

This one is vulnerable, this one is hard, and yet we've all been here.
The heart is incredibly deceitful. For weeks I thought I was was praying from the right place, about the right thing yet all the while experiencing such a struggle.

Sitting on the Potter's wheel has never been a place I long for . . . I have been there before and Lord knows, the process. . . The hardest part isn't the kneading or the molding, or the countless times God starts the process all over again. No, the hardest part is letting go. The fear of losing all that I think I've have worked on, for etc. . . letting go of all the triumphs and so called wins! After all, I was still (secretly) celebrating surviving coming ashore! And then onto the Potter's wheel I go? Like right away? My heart and flesh cried “nooooooooo!” While my spirit cries, “yes Lord, yes, I am weary and this current mold just won't do”.

Acceptance is half the battle. I know parts of me need to change, I just thought I did ALL the hard work already out on the water. Storm after storm, I surrendered, stood strong against face whipping winds with grit, learned to hold onto the sails, thought I learned how to surrender. I thought the hardest part was OVER. Yet deep within, as that groan faithfully interrupted my prayers: in those trying moments, I was reminded of my stubbornness, my fervent need for control and my steady resistance to still trust God enough to fully let go, again. “This feels too hard." And so the groan grew deeper until it was silenced. Despite my divided heart, God boldly answered. God reminded me surrender is daily... and leaning won’t cut it in this next phase.

Jeremiah 18:3 -6
"So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me. He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the Lord. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel. "

My prayer to lean into this next season was/is wishy-washy. Leaning gives me wiggle room. Leaning somehow gives me the false idea of control and fake footing to stand on, as if I can outline via bulletin points how this next phase will go.

Leaning leaves me rigid, frustrated. But Alleluia the Holy Spirit keeps calling and does not let go, nor let me believe the lie that I can do this on my own. Leaning only goes so far, so deep. And despite the struggle, this whole season is an answer to prayer. Now I get the privilege to tell the story! I get to share the testimony of the war that raged within and being won. Not by my power, will or strength but by the Holy Spirit's leading and the God who goes before me, behind me, and is all around me.

I have no idea what wars you face within, or what struggles surround you, but have no doubt, God is ever present, call upon Him and He will answer.

Psalm 46:1 "God is our Refuge and Strength; always ready to help in times of trouble.